Twitter can be (among other things) a minefield of undiscovered comedy genius. I’m a connoisseur of the fine art of squeezing meaning, entertainment, and unexpected originality into a minuscule 140 characters. Here’s some of the best music-related ones I’ve ever read:
"Mama, you are under oath. Now who did you see that night?"
"Mamakoosaw." (jury gasps)
"Let the record show Mama say Mama saw Mamakoosaw."
— Dan Ewen (@VaguelyFunnyDan) September 17, 2013
The Boxer isn't quite as moving if you picture Simon and Garfunkel shooting geese in between the "Li-la-li's".
— Alec Sulkin (@thesulk) June 3, 2014
On a recent visit to Rome, Prince presented Pope Francis with a joke book. He says only wanted to see him laughing in his papal reign.
— Neil (@_Enanem_) June 4, 2014
If Rick James thinks that liking "incense, wine and candles" is super freaky he needs to get out more.
— John Lyon (@JohnLyonTweets) July 27, 2014
"I've seen fire & I've seen rain" -James Taylor & LITERALLY EVERY HUMAN
— Randi Lawson (@RandiLawson) July 21, 2014
Imagine Mumford & Sons' sons. Wrong. More tweed.
— ibid (@ibid78) July 19, 2014
Subject: Dance Now
Cc: Music Factory
— Chris Serico (@ChrisSerico) June 24, 2014
There are "good relationships" & then there are relationships you can apply Mariah Carey songs to.
— 🐺🧦 jess [ham] ☂️ (@dontgetbangs) May 12, 2014
"Here's the lyric: Take On Me."
"What about Take Me On?"
[4 hrs of arguing later]
"Ok we'll say both. Now let's get perms."
— ibid (@ibid78) September 18, 2014
"Enya" is a whole album about a singer communicating with whales.
— Carbosly (@Carbosly) May 5, 2014
I think Aaron Neville has an Auto-Tune stuck in his throat.
— Reddit Hate Me (@asliceofkimbo) April 21, 2014
BREAKING: Rydell High School Senior quarantined due to chills. "They're multiplying," the CDC explained. "And he's losing control."
— Dan Ewen (@VaguelyFunnyDan) November 3, 2014
Could a murderer do THIS?
*lawyer points to defendant doing cool tap dance*
I remind the jury that only guilty feet have got no rhythm.
— 𝐖𝐢𝐥𝐝𝐞 𝐓𝐡𝐢𝐧𝐠𝐲 (@wildethingy) September 26, 2014
[5th grade music recital ends]
Hipster: "Ugh. They were SO much better in 2nd grade."
— Uncle Duke (@UncleDuke1969) September 25, 2014
Everyone knows it's "Private eyes", single clap, "They're watching you", double clap. Now, for the love of God, get your shit together.
— Jerry Lock, Chernobyl Bikini Inspector (@jlock17) February 28, 2014
Jeff Goldblum's laugh pic.twitter.com/SxVJTnYrKw
— Phil Edwards (@Live_for_Films) October 22, 2014
My favorite way to punish the kids is by dropping them off at school, windows open, blasting Katy Perry, and singing at the top of my lungs.
— Uncle Duke (@UncleDuke1969) July 25, 2014
*ends every handshake with the lift from Dirty Dancing*
— ibid (@ibid78) August 24, 2014
How many Gb is Trent Reznor's "Rachet Sounds" folder, do you think?
— Jason Kottke (@jkottke) September 30, 2014
The Tide is high, but she's holding on. pic.twitter.com/6NJC0Ah6ZT
— melissa (@melibuff) August 31, 2014
Sometimes the hope that somewhere in this crazy world there's someone with a cat named "Cat Benatar" is all that keeps me going.
— Adult Male (@PlainTravis) August 21, 2014
My girlfriend told me that my Tom Petty obsession is getting out of hand, but I won't back down on this one.
No I won't
— the artist formerly known as the Iron Sherk (@TheIronSherk) September 4, 2014
If you sing 'Eye of the Tiger' as you fall down the stairs, people will think you're a champion and it's not as embarrassing.
— moody monday (@mdob11) August 13, 2013
Did Hey Jude end yet?
— Gian D'Oh (@GianDoh) October 4, 2014
Pat Sajak: Jesus, take the wheel.
Jesus: Pat, I'd like to solve the puzzle.
Other contestants: OH, COME ON!
— You know (@Tmoney68) October 3, 2014
Thanks to the humidity, right now my hair could best be described as "Garfunkel-esque."
— CatherineLMK (@CatherineLMK) September 29, 2014
You guys are lucky. Blackberry gave everyone a free Celine Dion album.
— Brian Hope (@Brianhopecomedy) September 16, 2014
Adam it's Marvin.
Your cousin, Marvin Levine!
You know that new sound you been lookin for? Well listen to this!
*crushes testicles in vise*
— steve suckington (@SteveSuckington) November 3, 2014
Didn't we just hear this song?
– me listening to country music.
— eric is on vacation at home (@ericsshadow) August 18, 2014
"Killing Me Softly" is actually a song about my family reunion.
— Qwerty Jones (@QwertyJones3) September 22, 2014
"Hello, 911? They're playing Pearl Jam on an oldies station."
— Dan Ewen (@VaguelyFunnyDan) December 3, 2014
Working on a new version of 'We Didn't Start The Fire' that's just "Bill Cosby WTF" over and over and over until the chorus.
— Jason Isbell (@JasonIsbell) November 20, 2014
Gloria: I want to Instagram my salad.
Gloria: The pic's not right.
Gloria: Don't say it.
– Turn the beet around?
— Uncle Duke (@UncleDuke1969) December 9, 2014
"She seems to have an invisible touch." (Genesis 19:86).
— God (@TheTweetOfGod) December 12, 2014
Got some good ones to add? Tweet me.